Calling bullshit on facebook

In my teenage years, we didn’t have Facebook, we didn’t even have the internet for that matter.  We hadn’t a clue what we looked like half-time because we didn’t take selfies!  If we wanted to chat to someone we knocked in for them,  we were friends with people because we liked them, and they were actually our… em friends.

Now just let me clarify before I start, I’m as hooked on facebook as the next person, I spend far too much of my precious time scrolling the news feed to see if anything’s happened since I checked it 10 minutes ago.  But let’s be honest guys, besides the news of a celebrity death or toddler and baby bursting into a BBC interview the rest of it’s all    “bullshit”! Here’s exactly why

‘I love my husband/wife/partner/boyfriend/girlfriend/ dog/  potbellied pig so much, feeling  hashtag blessed’ 

So I’ve started with a pretty obvious one! The gushing status that declares undying love to a person who happens to be beside you on the sofa, my god this really gets my goat! If you love a person just fecking tell them, your both are sitting in the same room. Put down your phone look into each other’s eyes and say I love you, that’s what we did in the old days, you never know what it might lead to.

Random Friend requests

From people who, ve never had a conversation with you, to folk you know damn well dislike you? Just nosy random friend requests.   I always accept them reluctantly!  Then they cop that you only ever post on Facebook occasionally, and you, re dropped like a hot snot.  Their status will read ” I’m doing a bit of a clear out here and only keeping my real friends and family’ grrrr why did you request me? Any why declare you’re unfriending me in so many words? I honestly would have never noticed.

annoying check-ins

Now I love to see a check-in at dublin airport,  the grand ritural of the airport pint, that really makes me smile and think yes, I really love Ireland and our quirky traditions.  But a checkin at the hospital, why?   Someone braver but as curious as myself will ask exactly why the hospital check-in?  I sit it out and wait for an answer with bated breath,  The reply ‘Im bringing poor granny to the Chiropodist her corns are at her again’ ffs

inspiring quotes

I love a good quote,  Something that really resonates with you and touches you slap bang in the heart. But  Posting quote after quote after quote, I can’t handle,  especially when half of them are digs at relatives that have pissed you off that day and the other half hints at your husband to bring you out for dinner and treat you like a princess

This ones my favourite : Treat a man as he is and he will remain as he is? Treat a man to what he could be and he will become what he should be!!!  My reply .. treat a man to a bag of cans and the sky’s the limit!

The cryptic status

It kinda reads like this ” you know who you are!!!!!!!  you low life scum, how could you this to another human being, rot in hell!! ”

me… eh.. I dont know who you are ..but   I kinda want to know now…

A friend will comment on the status. what’s rattled your cage?

The reply ‘I, ll private message you’

Me “huge groan”

likey  no likey

We all know an aunt that like,s every thing on fb! Even the stuff that she really shouldnt, like her neice,s first job at the local poll dancing club. There she is (god bless her) liking all 36 butt in the air upside down on a pole Photos individually. But thens theres the flipside, the friend that likes nothing at all. You know fine well they, ve seen your latest profie pic cause they, re always facebook, but still no like!  Then like a bolt out of the blue (usually after updating their own profile), they like yours, so now you have to like thiers ( and now you,ll leave it a few days too)!! oh facebook mind games, my favourite type of mind game.

The facebook break

I,d just like to say I’m giving facebook a break,  my friends can text me if they want me.  Ok you are not stepping down  from un peacekeeper,  no need to tell the world and I ‘ll give you two days missus!!!)

Wishing your granny happy birthday

I’d just like to wish my Granny a happy 94th birthday… love you granny x

I dont think your grannys on facebook, so maybe just call her or even visit with a cake, and for all the people wishing granny happy birthday in heaven, just say a prayer, if there is a heaven I dont think facebooks up their, is hard enough to get wifi in rual ireland, heaven doesnt have a chance.

 

PS none of my own facebook friends ever do any of these, well hardly ever…. 

This was first published on the M word here

 

 

 

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