This was not the way it was planned and not the way it started. When I took my newbie home from the hospital, she was an absolute Angel. I never had a night walking the floors with her! I swaddled her placed her in her Moses basket and she slept. Waking her for her night feeds, she never had a hungry cry! She just made a sucking motion with her mouth, letting me know to insert bottle now. Sleeping all night every night.
When I bumped into other new mothers out at the shops, I d stop and chat. I knew they would look at me and have visions of poking my eyes out. Rolling their own eyes as I blissfully chatted about our full night,s sleep.(and I wouldn’t blame them) I was never smug about it, mind you, I always stated that she had her moments (but being totally honest they were few and far between)
At age two we moved her to her own room with Frozen (not hypothermia), Frozen the movie bed covers. This ran kinda smoothly. She would sleep all night at first, gradually waking once a night. An odd night hopping into our bed. I would hardly notice her there until she was right on top of my back arms sprawled across me. No matter where I was in the bed she was behind me, stuck to me like one of her Duplo blocks. Some nights I’d be holding onto the edge of the bed like a white knuckle ride. She’d be attached to my neck like the safety bar of a rollercoaster fast asleep. I would look at daddy, full spread of his pillow, with enough space to park a 40-foot truck his end, thinking how did this happen?
She would say: ‘Mammy’ I sleep in the big bed with you?’
I’d reply: “Ok, hunny, but just for tonight” (thinking we’ve got rid of the soother situation, I will sort this one) So now I’m putting her to bed in the “big bed” as she calls it. She falls asleep and I walk out and shut the door. No hassle. I just head down the stairs, with no interruptions! On a Friday night, you will find me skipping down the stairs for a sneaky glass of red, recliner out, feet up. Heaven
Until last Friday night……
“Mammy!” Daddy would go up but there’s no point because she wants “MAMMY”. I put down my glass of red ( and think FFS, I don’t even whisper it, just think it).
I step away from the wine slowly and go up the stairs.
‘Are you ok, hun?’
‘There’s a monster over there. Look, mammy!’
‘There’s no monster’ (But if mammy doesn’t get her wine, one might appear)
‘Will you sleep with me, mammy? Preeeeeese, mammy, I just wove you so much?’ (Ah crap she’s doing the puppy eyes) I can’t resist the puppy eyes.
‘Ok, I’ll lie with you for a minute.’ (not wanting her to have abandonment issues!) Yes, I know she’s pulling the strings as I do a happy Pinocchio dance.
She’s nestled right up against me, I’m thinking of my glass of red! If I go down and drink it I will only be thinking of her, so I text daddy to bring me up the glass (and bottle). I lie beside her drinking it looking at her ” this is not the way I planned it”. She lies snuggled right next to me like a little bunny in her fluffy pj’s holding on to me for dear life. She’s not going to be little forever, She’s not going to need me forever. It could be better than I planned it. Or maybe that’s just the wine talking.
This was first published on the M word.ie here