I think it’s written in Greek mythology somewhere, you have a baby and all of the humanity arrive with mountains and mountains of baby clothes. Now I’m not being an ungrateful old sod, Most of these clothes are a godsend! The button popper vests and all in one baby grows. If only I could dress my kid in these for the rest of her life. I would be done with rummaging. (i spend 80% of my life rummaging these days) For the items of clothing, I’m calling bull shit on! The baby clothing that just vanishes by putting them through the process of the washing machine, dryer, clothesline radiator and hot press. (if they make it out of the hot press into the child’s room intact, as a pair and in one piece, hand me that “domestic goddess” crown. I’m calling bullshit on the useless baby clothes that cause more stress than function.
babies spend their days playing with their feet, lying on their back touching their toes (as we look on in envy, ) Socks are a mission in bubs eyes, pulling them off one at a time, its a game, Simple. I can’t understand why baby socks don’t have a huge “mitten string attached to them” so you can string them through tiny trouser legs. At least that way you know where they are. They won’t be on the babies feet but you, know where there are. Since I had my baby, I’d say I’ve spent weeks upon weeks looking for socks. If a pair of socks is lucky enough to make it into the wash together, they won’t get out together. Just like a Hollywood marriage are doomed for septation (sock prenup anyone?)
Jeans with pockets
Jeans on babies!!! why just why? Putting a pair of Jeans on a baby is like squashing a whole french baguette into a toaster. No matter what size your baby is they just don’t fit, they, re not comfy, the elastic stick into their tummy leaving an imprint and the pockets always seem to be poking out. I’d love to know exactly why they put pockets in baby Jeans. It’s not like they need some were to keep their cash, wallet or keys is it?? The Onesie deserves every inch of the recognition and fame in my book.
ok, I was a bit of a sucker for these before I had my girl. I would lift a 0 to 3 month dress on a hanger and look at it and shriek at the cuteness of it (my ovaries would explode just looking at them) in reality baby dresses only look cute on the hanger.. you never see them in all their glory on a baby, because em…. its a baby. A baby is a fairly slouchy creature, (not designed for London fashion week) Designed for swaddling and cradling in your arms. A view from the back is the best your going to get as you wind her over your shoulder avoiding a spew covered front
Clips and bows
What is it with huge bows on babies heads? I put a clip in my girl’s hair one morning. Just to keep her fringe out of her eyes, by nine o clock I was almost reaching for the kalms! The clip goes in, baby takes it out, clip goes in, baby takes it out, (we could go on) I remember a Neighbour calling into me with her baby. Her Bubs sat up playing away like Minnie mouse with a humongous bow sitting on top of her head. My girl beside her like a dishevelled stray dog her eyes obscured by a mop of hair “god she won’t keep her clip in her hair at all will she? em..
em.. no she’s a a bit of a free spirit, I reply. vision is over rated any way eh…
Babies who cant walk don’t need shoes end of. When they begin to wobble around those little cruisers now there the business, (but one pair at max). A Mariah Carey walk in wardrobe of shoes isn’t needed, and like the socks just stress me out. In saying this I fell into a trap of pretty dress shoes on one occasion. My girl had just started to walk and we were going to a christening. She had a beautiful navy dress and now that she could stand up right could show it off in all its glory.
I had and impulse buy on the way to the christening!! Stopping off to get a pair of backup pair of tights for myself and spotted the cutest pair of dolly shoes ever, perfect for her navy dress.
I whipped off my girl’s sensible shoes in the car on the way. (welcome to the world of uncomfortable shoes girly I thought) but she looked a picture and everyone agreed, the complements were flying. Throughout the day, my girly kept pointing to her shoes and saying ouch.. ( she will get used to them, I thought) but adamant on taking them off. (i was whispering just keep your shoes on hun)
At the afters, she was still persisting they were hurting. I took them off to let her have a run around in the bear feet. !! I looked at the shoes and discovered id left the blinking paper stuffed inside them from the shop.
so maybe I should be calling bullshit on trying to get my shit together eh? but for now I’m blaming the clothes and I’m calling bullshit on useless baby clothes
(This piece was first published on The M word.ie here )